How many cups of coffee does it take?
As I sit here, late on a Sunday morning with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand, I am pondering such recent events on a global, local, and personal scale. Re-evaluating part of my life as one would seem... but, then again, I'm still a little girl, as some (most) would choose to see it. Age is a number, maturity is based upon action, appearance and so many attributes that are easy to manipulate and control. Hence, the things I really don't care for about myself.1) I am manipulative. What else is there to say, I mean, that one is pretty self-explainatory. I see something that I want and I devise a plan on how to get it, no matter what it takes, some people see this as determnation. There is a fine line of distinguishment for me, the manipulative part about me is that I play off the emotions and actions of others, without remorse. Guilt does not exist to someone like me, the end always, ALWAYS justifies the mean. Yet, if I choose to change this particular aspect about myself I am faced with an even bigger problem. How do I create the sense of guilt and remorse, I don't know them, and emotions are strictly interpretations of actions. Therefore, if I have never had these "feelings" do they even exist in my personal emotional spectrum? How do you create an alien emotion, logically I know that I should feel horrible when I take manipulation to extreme and still achieve success. Yet, I do not, because, as I already stated the ends ALWAYS justify the means for me.
2) I'm a drunk. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics are willing to admit that they are allcoholics and are duped by some way, either alone or by an outside stimulus or force. Into going to rehab meetings. I've gone days and weeks and even yes, months on occasion. Dry. But, when alcohol is readily given or at an available source, I am indeed not one to turn it down. This is rather disconcerning to those who "care" about me. But, part of what they don't understand is that in places that are overseas and where I've been, its not taboo to drink there at my age. This country (land of the free) isn't so free as it may seem because Americans tend to be the most "macho" and the persona in which we portray on the global scale has caused our government to take restrictionary action against certain thngs. We're irresponsible. On a global scale. I never drink to get drunk in the states, and I certainly never drink to get drunk in a foreign country. It's the ugly american thing. Yet, there is the aspect that keeps me drinking, alcohol is a depressant. It makes all the things that should be of a state of evil in my mind, seemily cease to be, I like that feeling just like the person sitting next to me at the bar. I control the drunk in me. But, I fear the drunk is going to one day control me. Until that happens, I'm choosing to follow the path that I'm going and hopefully, it won't happen. Even though Karma says that whatever I do is going to come back to me. But, drunk is a state of mind, and I've never made an ass out of myself, especially not a drunk ass.
3) I've broken a few human spirits in my day. Which I have no idea how these things happen. They just do, I'm whinsical with the emotions that I have in my spectrum. They're not divided up into "fear and love" there's a whole range. One day, I can love someone to the end of the earth, then the next day I have no idea what I saw in them, hence, I fake loving them hoping to recapture whatever I saw. In failure, I find someone new, and dash the hopes of the one who is supposedly in love with me for a new love.
.....You see me in these things, I was in love once, I was lucky enough to find love again. I just don't know how to maintain it, when I have these skkeltons in my closet. So, how many cups of coffee does it take to wake me up from life? That's my question to you....
posted by PomLindsay @ 8:56 AM
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