Words of Not-So-Much Wisdom

My Life is Brilliant.

"My love is pure."
Today is Feb. 07 2007. My life is back to being the emo-ridden status that it is on more than 50% of the occasion. I vy for Cody. I vy for Logan, I vy for the love that I had and lost in both the instances there.
The reason why I hold true to Cody is that I guess, it's been so long since we dated back in 2005, and yet, everytime I look at him and spend time around him, I remember what two years ago felt like, the good times, and some of the bad. He's the caregiver there, the one who wants to look after me, the one who wants to take care of me and be the arms that I run to. I remember what it was like to be with him. I remember the things that I feel and felt safe telling him, and I recognize that he has been there through the good and bad times.
Logan. He's Logan. That's the only way to describe it. I love him, always will. I look at him, as I do to someone who needs someone to take care of him, the security to know that he's really not alone, that he has friends, he has those of us that do love him. No matter how much he's tried to push me away, I fell back to him and he doesn't understand that loving someone means loving then when they're drunk and not knowing what they're really saying, just as much as you love them when they're sober and fully aware of every word that spills forth from their lips.
The beauty of the existence of a Lilliputian society is such. We think, we rationalize and we place emotion. We're just swimming in the figurative existence of a soul that we hope is really there. To place faith in such an intanglible belief is folly. My faith has left me in all instances. I have lost faith in relationships and love, I have lost faith in the love of my family and their temperance for my true self, (which is only partially discovered, but what has been uncovered so far is nothing that they respect nor are they willing to accept me), I have lost faith in religion, or in any case to believe that there is a higher power. Not to say that I'm an athiest, because I'm not that either. To say that there is no god is to say that there is a god for one to deny. I respect the earth, and I respect life. That's it.
My heart has died. I don't even know why I'm with Nick now. I hardly feel anything anymore and the real reason why I keep going on is, well, lack of knowledge. A true pursuit of life. Facts and hard evidence. Part of me still wants to believe that Nick can reawaken the pieces of myself that I lost to Cody and Logan. That I wasted away on frivolous relationships in the past, and fear that this one will end up on the exact same route as the others. A dead end, and I am hence, left alone once more.
Philosophy is a fun class. You can prove nothing through sensory input because such imput can be falsified, and manipulated. Facts are useless. I love it. Evidence is worthless. Repeatability is the only real aspect to prove anything, but then again, what is the reality in which you are attempting to prove?
If I say that I have found someone or something that completes my soul, then shouldn't that have a direct effect on my emotions, intellect and actions? Nick believes that he is such. I don't know what to believe because I don't believe in many things.
~To believe is to have faith, and having faith in myself is self-contradictory.

posted by PomLindsay @ 3:40 PM