How many cups of coffee does it take?
As I sit here, late on a Sunday morning with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand, I am pondering such recent events on a global, local, and personal scale. Re-evaluating part of my life as one would seem... but, then again, I'm still a little girl, as some (most) would choose to see it. Age is a number, maturity is based upon action, appearance and so many attributes that are easy to manipulate and control. Hence, the things I really don't care for about myself.
1) I am manipulative. What else is there to say, I mean, that one is pretty self-explainatory. I see something that I want and I devise a plan on how to get it, no matter what it takes, some people see this as determnation. There is a fine line of distinguishment for me, the manipulative part about me is that I play off the emotions and actions of others, without remorse. Guilt does not exist to someone like me, the end always, ALWAYS justifies the mean. Yet, if I choose to change this particular aspect about myself I am faced with an even bigger problem. How do I create the sense of guilt and remorse, I don't know them, and emotions are strictly interpretations of actions. Therefore, if I have never had these "feelings" do they even exist in my personal emotional spectrum? How do you create an alien emotion, logically I know that I should feel horrible when I take manipulation to extreme and still achieve success. Yet, I do not, because, as I already stated the ends ALWAYS justify the means for me.
2) I'm a drunk. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics are willing to admit that they are allcoholics and are duped by some way, either alone or by an outside stimulus or force. Into going to rehab meetings. I've gone days and weeks and even yes, months on occasion. Dry. But, when alcohol is readily given or at an available source, I am indeed not one to turn it down. This is rather disconcerning to those who "care" about me. But, part of what they don't understand is that in places that are overseas and where I've been, its not taboo to drink there at my age. This country (land of the free) isn't so free as it may seem because Americans tend to be the most "macho" and the persona in which we portray on the global scale has caused our government to take restrictionary action against certain thngs. We're irresponsible. On a global scale. I never drink to get drunk in the states, and I certainly never drink to get drunk in a foreign country. It's the ugly american thing. Yet, there is the aspect that keeps me drinking, alcohol is a depressant. It makes all the things that should be of a state of evil in my mind, seemily cease to be, I like that feeling just like the person sitting next to me at the bar. I control the drunk in me. But, I fear the drunk is going to one day control me. Until that happens, I'm choosing to follow the path that I'm going and hopefully, it won't happen. Even though Karma says that whatever I do is going to come back to me. But, drunk is a state of mind, and I've never made an ass out of myself, especially not a drunk ass.
3) I've broken a few human spirits in my day. Which I have no idea how these things happen. They just do, I'm whinsical with the emotions that I have in my spectrum. They're not divided up into "fear and love" there's a whole range. One day, I can love someone to the end of the earth, then the next day I have no idea what I saw in them, hence, I fake loving them hoping to recapture whatever I saw. In failure, I find someone new, and dash the hopes of the one who is supposedly in love with me for a new love.
.....You see me in these things, I was in love once, I was lucky enough to find love again. I just don't know how to maintain it, when I have these skkeltons in my closet. So, how many cups of coffee does it take to wake me up from life? That's my question to you....
This Old New Year
"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?" ~Donnie Darko.
So, 'tis 11:03pm right now. On the 11th of January in the year of our Lord 2007. Well at least in the year of your Lord, agnosticism is fun like that. And a lot of things have changed in this, the New Year. I have finally decided to give up on Logan. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about because I don't post stuff that often (welcome to college life ladies and gentleman, if you attempt to catch me at a free moment you are indeed lucky) Logan and I broke up. Awhile ago. But, we didn't change anything about the way that we acted together out in public or in the privacy that we had. It killed me everytime that he had to reassure someone else that we weren't dating. Worst of all, he kept telling me that he wanted to get back together the whole time, but he made no effort to work with me to that point. I tried having a relationship with someone that didn't last very long during the duration of those last two months, it didn't work because of two things 1) I was still in love with Logan, in all romanticized ways and 2) Jacob was looking for a wife and started to tell me that he wanted to marry me about two weeks into the relationship (kinda scared me) and there were just too many differences there. SO, I gave up there, got my hopes back up with Logan the week before I came back to school, to get them shot down again, (it breaks my heart to see him smile still, and to be around him) I want to be his best friend, he wants me to be his best friend. I will be, it's just going to take me awhile yet to get there, but, with deep breathes and enough lectures from Professor Ling on Confucianism and Daoist Philosophy I can achieve anything.
So, something WONDERFUL happened to me on the third of January. My friend Nate has an older brother that he thought would like to meet me, so, hence, Nate set me up on a "blind date" with his 22 year old, older brother Nicolas Michael Sexton. Lemme tell you what, I think this is the closest thing that soulmates get to because as soon as Nic walked in the door it was a mutual instant connection that only became more and more apparent as the evening wore on. We've discussed the pains that are in both our pasts, he knows that my depression has a tendancy to resurface. and he's willing to face that challenge. Let's just hope that its a good long time before he has to face that part of me.
I also got two new tattoos when I wasn home for Christmas break, I dropped $80 on the pair. Its the words "Aequitas" which is written on my right hip (it's Lating for Justice) and the word "Veritas" is written on my left hip (Latin for Truth). Very nice. Nic likes my tattoos, and that I'm an outspoken liberal loudmouth freespirit, He's paying for my industrial bar that I want to get next August. I can't wait to bring him home to meet everyone back there. He's from New Castle Indiana and I know you'lll all love him because he's a video game nerd ( thats part of the reason I do) I swear, it was apparent that Nic and I are going to be together for a good long time. Keep your fingers crossed for me on this relationship, I'm tired of getting hurt. I got a 2.7 GPA for my first semester, thats not nearly as good enough as what I plan to do in the spring, and I know that you all have faith in me. Thank you dear friends for sticking by me until the end. I know I'm an asshole and tough to bear with sometimes, just know that I love and value each and EVERY one of you that has been with me through thick and thin. You're amazing, and you're all the real reason that I keep on living. Thank you.
Space Cowboy
I am the Exonerated, Take no pity, Master and Slave, Trainer and Beast.
I am the Ostrasized, broken human shell, bound soul, reckless silence.
I wear the mask, the cracked mache, torn heart, sympathy beguile.
I am the Knighted One, cloaked in darkness, no friend no foe, no stranger to devastation, an acquiantance to creation,
witness to obliteration.
Would you speak to indifference?
And when you can send blood through the net......
~I will know you. Space Cowboy.
