Hello?
I regret
to direct.
that I need the detection of you.
Something to give me notification
fearing the substrate of this sensation
and animosity of cold,lonesome, death.
Today is October,
in my head June's not over
and your lies are six months behind.
Take the drink from my hand
Take the screams from my lips.
I need honest sense that I'm not alone.
You're three feet away but ten galaxies over,
my thoughts can't fly quite fast enough
So, therein states that I am hurt to inform
I hate this feeling, the abandonment.
Put your arms around me, for thirty seconds if only.
Satisfaction for the next few hours more.
Then I start to think again.
Then I start to ponder and when,
....
your chair,
stares at me,
...empty.
I have lost it.
I promise.
My purpose.
I know not where it went... I can frantically search for it day after day, tearing apart my notebooks, car, room, mind.
and it's gone.
Disappeared into a frantic dissolution of night.
That place where scary dreams apply and the nightmares never cease to be victorious.
That place where Salvidor Dali melts clocks with the persistence of memory.
That place where memory is no longer, but living outside space and time.
I am me, and am that was, and I who I will later be...?
My hands are shaking, and my voice is gone.
Where has it ran off too?
My purpose.
My dream.
Or, are they the same?
Cannot be.
Purpose can exist without desire and dreams can go forever without realization.
To forever have a dream but neglect your purpose?
To live for the purpose and neglect your dreams?
Maybe they took hands with each other and left me to my own pestilence.
Appeal to my Authority. Appeal to my Ignorance. and the Logic never makes sense to an abstract thinker.
What is the abstract of thought in itself though? are not all thoughts abstract so where does the logic root from?
I don't understand.
I'm not okay.
where did it go...
where did it go...
...
...
will you help me find my purpose again.
It's gone and lost itself.
Blood Bath
Will you cry the tears of the innocent for them?
Will you kill for the mercy of all people?
The Utopia, the Paradise.
These Murderous theives,
they steal the lives, they steal the provisions of the deprived
And bathe in the blood that is spilt.
Spit on graves,
Terrorize children and enslave them
Break a human spirit,
is that an accomplishment,
is that what makes a man.
The ability to induce fear,
The ability to pull the trigger to forever silence that one,
lone,
scream in a crowd.
Master, and a free man made your slave
~Rise up to the conflict, Rise up against.
Be a real man, and not the fragment illusion of one.
My Life is Brilliant.
"My love is pure."
Today is Feb. 07 2007. My life is back to being the emo-ridden status that it is on more than 50% of the occasion. I vy for Cody. I vy for Logan, I vy for the love that I had and lost in both the instances there.
The reason why I hold true to Cody is that I guess, it's been so long since we dated back in 2005, and yet, everytime I look at him and spend time around him, I remember what two years ago felt like, the good times, and some of the bad. He's the caregiver there, the one who wants to look after me, the one who wants to take care of me and be the arms that I run to. I remember what it was like to be with him. I remember the things that I feel and felt safe telling him, and I recognize that he has been there through the good and bad times.
Logan. He's Logan. That's the only way to describe it. I love him, always will. I look at him, as I do to someone who needs someone to take care of him, the security to know that he's really not alone, that he has friends, he has those of us that do love him. No matter how much he's tried to push me away, I fell back to him and he doesn't understand that loving someone means loving then when they're drunk and not knowing what they're really saying, just as much as you love them when they're sober and fully aware of every word that spills forth from their lips.
The beauty of the existence of a Lilliputian society is such. We think, we rationalize and we place emotion. We're just swimming in the figurative existence of a soul that we hope is really there. To place faith in such an intanglible belief is folly. My faith has left me in all instances. I have lost faith in relationships and love, I have lost faith in the love of my family and their temperance for my true self, (which is only partially discovered, but what has been uncovered so far is nothing that they respect nor are they willing to accept me), I have lost faith in religion, or in any case to believe that there is a higher power. Not to say that I'm an athiest, because I'm not that either. To say that there is no god is to say that there is a god for one to deny. I respect the earth, and I respect life. That's it.
My heart has died. I don't even know why I'm with Nick now. I hardly feel anything anymore and the real reason why I keep going on is, well, lack of knowledge. A true pursuit of life. Facts and hard evidence. Part of me still wants to believe that Nick can reawaken the pieces of myself that I lost to Cody and Logan. That I wasted away on frivolous relationships in the past, and fear that this one will end up on the exact same route as the others. A dead end, and I am hence, left alone once more.
Philosophy is a fun class. You can prove nothing through sensory input because such imput can be falsified, and manipulated. Facts are useless. I love it. Evidence is worthless. Repeatability is the only real aspect to prove anything, but then again, what is the reality in which you are attempting to prove?
If I say that I have found someone or something that completes my soul, then shouldn't that have a direct effect on my emotions, intellect and actions? Nick believes that he is such. I don't know what to believe because I don't believe in many things.
~To believe is to have faith, and having faith in myself is self-contradictory.
How many cups of coffee does it take?
As I sit here, late on a Sunday morning with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand, I am pondering such recent events on a global, local, and personal scale. Re-evaluating part of my life as one would seem... but, then again, I'm still a little girl, as some (most) would choose to see it. Age is a number, maturity is based upon action, appearance and so many attributes that are easy to manipulate and control. Hence, the things I really don't care for about myself.
1) I am manipulative. What else is there to say, I mean, that one is pretty self-explainatory. I see something that I want and I devise a plan on how to get it, no matter what it takes, some people see this as determnation. There is a fine line of distinguishment for me, the manipulative part about me is that I play off the emotions and actions of others, without remorse. Guilt does not exist to someone like me, the end always, ALWAYS justifies the mean. Yet, if I choose to change this particular aspect about myself I am faced with an even bigger problem. How do I create the sense of guilt and remorse, I don't know them, and emotions are strictly interpretations of actions. Therefore, if I have never had these "feelings" do they even exist in my personal emotional spectrum? How do you create an alien emotion, logically I know that I should feel horrible when I take manipulation to extreme and still achieve success. Yet, I do not, because, as I already stated the ends ALWAYS justify the means for me.
2) I'm a drunk. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics are willing to admit that they are allcoholics and are duped by some way, either alone or by an outside stimulus or force. Into going to rehab meetings. I've gone days and weeks and even yes, months on occasion. Dry. But, when alcohol is readily given or at an available source, I am indeed not one to turn it down. This is rather disconcerning to those who "care" about me. But, part of what they don't understand is that in places that are overseas and where I've been, its not taboo to drink there at my age. This country (land of the free) isn't so free as it may seem because Americans tend to be the most "macho" and the persona in which we portray on the global scale has caused our government to take restrictionary action against certain thngs. We're irresponsible. On a global scale. I never drink to get drunk in the states, and I certainly never drink to get drunk in a foreign country. It's the ugly american thing. Yet, there is the aspect that keeps me drinking, alcohol is a depressant. It makes all the things that should be of a state of evil in my mind, seemily cease to be, I like that feeling just like the person sitting next to me at the bar. I control the drunk in me. But, I fear the drunk is going to one day control me. Until that happens, I'm choosing to follow the path that I'm going and hopefully, it won't happen. Even though Karma says that whatever I do is going to come back to me. But, drunk is a state of mind, and I've never made an ass out of myself, especially not a drunk ass.
3) I've broken a few human spirits in my day. Which I have no idea how these things happen. They just do, I'm whinsical with the emotions that I have in my spectrum. They're not divided up into "fear and love" there's a whole range. One day, I can love someone to the end of the earth, then the next day I have no idea what I saw in them, hence, I fake loving them hoping to recapture whatever I saw. In failure, I find someone new, and dash the hopes of the one who is supposedly in love with me for a new love.
.....You see me in these things, I was in love once, I was lucky enough to find love again. I just don't know how to maintain it, when I have these skkeltons in my closet. So, how many cups of coffee does it take to wake me up from life? That's my question to you....
This Old New Year
"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?" ~Donnie Darko.
So, 'tis 11:03pm right now. On the 11th of January in the year of our Lord 2007. Well at least in the year of your Lord, agnosticism is fun like that. And a lot of things have changed in this, the New Year. I have finally decided to give up on Logan. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about because I don't post stuff that often (welcome to college life ladies and gentleman, if you attempt to catch me at a free moment you are indeed lucky) Logan and I broke up. Awhile ago. But, we didn't change anything about the way that we acted together out in public or in the privacy that we had. It killed me everytime that he had to reassure someone else that we weren't dating. Worst of all, he kept telling me that he wanted to get back together the whole time, but he made no effort to work with me to that point. I tried having a relationship with someone that didn't last very long during the duration of those last two months, it didn't work because of two things 1) I was still in love with Logan, in all romanticized ways and 2) Jacob was looking for a wife and started to tell me that he wanted to marry me about two weeks into the relationship (kinda scared me) and there were just too many differences there. SO, I gave up there, got my hopes back up with Logan the week before I came back to school, to get them shot down again, (it breaks my heart to see him smile still, and to be around him) I want to be his best friend, he wants me to be his best friend. I will be, it's just going to take me awhile yet to get there, but, with deep breathes and enough lectures from Professor Ling on Confucianism and Daoist Philosophy I can achieve anything.
So, something WONDERFUL happened to me on the third of January. My friend Nate has an older brother that he thought would like to meet me, so, hence, Nate set me up on a "blind date" with his 22 year old, older brother Nicolas Michael Sexton. Lemme tell you what, I think this is the closest thing that soulmates get to because as soon as Nic walked in the door it was a mutual instant connection that only became more and more apparent as the evening wore on. We've discussed the pains that are in both our pasts, he knows that my depression has a tendancy to resurface. and he's willing to face that challenge. Let's just hope that its a good long time before he has to face that part of me.
I also got two new tattoos when I wasn home for Christmas break, I dropped $80 on the pair. Its the words "Aequitas" which is written on my right hip (it's Lating for Justice) and the word "Veritas" is written on my left hip (Latin for Truth). Very nice. Nic likes my tattoos, and that I'm an outspoken liberal loudmouth freespirit, He's paying for my industrial bar that I want to get next August. I can't wait to bring him home to meet everyone back there. He's from New Castle Indiana and I know you'lll all love him because he's a video game nerd ( thats part of the reason I do) I swear, it was apparent that Nic and I are going to be together for a good long time. Keep your fingers crossed for me on this relationship, I'm tired of getting hurt. I got a 2.7 GPA for my first semester, thats not nearly as good enough as what I plan to do in the spring, and I know that you all have faith in me. Thank you dear friends for sticking by me until the end. I know I'm an asshole and tough to bear with sometimes, just know that I love and value each and EVERY one of you that has been with me through thick and thin. You're amazing, and you're all the real reason that I keep on living. Thank you.
Space Cowboy
I am the Exonerated, Take no pity, Master and Slave, Trainer and Beast.
I am the Ostrasized, broken human shell, bound soul, reckless silence.
I wear the mask, the cracked mache, torn heart, sympathy beguile.
I am the Knighted One, cloaked in darkness, no friend no foe, no stranger to devastation, an acquiantance to creation,
witness to obliteration.
Would you speak to indifference?
And when you can send blood through the net......
~I will know you. Space Cowboy.
My Lover, My Friend.
Hear me,
See me,
Taste me,
Touch me,
My skin and your skin,
Sensations and vibrations of the pacinian corpuscles
My hair is tousled
My eyes are deep,
And my thought is in connection with your own.
Hold me and promise me that you’ll never stop.
For you see, that I see,
That you are what I am,
That is a lover,
That is a friend
To each other,
My lover.
My Friend.
